Losing my mother this year has been the most (pick any of these and multiply it by infinity) heartbreaking, traumatic, miserable, excruciating, awful, agonizing moment of my life. While many near and far had no clue how to comfort me or what to say, most had good intentions and tried. However, one of the many things I learned through this was that sometimes there are really insensitive things to say.
Here are several phrases to steer clear of when someone close to you is grieving, along with useful alternatives to ensure your good intentions convey emotional maturity.
Don’t say “How are you?”
You already know the answer to this, so it makes you look insensitive to the situation. It also puts them in an awkward position of having to verbalize something that quite honestly there are no words for.
Do say “I’m here to talk whenever you are ready”
Everyone’s grief period is different, so while it may be weeks or months after their loss when they are ready to talk, be available and open to listening to them cry, talk, and share. Let them know that what they are feeling is okay and remind them that you are there to listen when they are ready.
Don’t say “Let me know if you need anything”
It’s a vague blanket statement. Don’t make them think about what they need because they are grieving and they honestly don’t know!
If you are genuine in your need to want to do something for them, take the initiative and just do it. Be specific in telling them what you are going to do so they don’t have to think. Whether you call/text “I’m going to drop dinner off for you and your family” or “What night this week works for you? I’d like to have you over for….”
Please note that they may decline the offer to leave their house -don’t take it personally. I repeat- don’t take it personally!
If your relationship isn’t that intimate but you still want to do something, ask for their address and send them something that would make their life easier, again -food is always a great start!
Do follow-through
Actions speak louder than words. If you say you are going to stop by, have them over, or be there for them when they are ready to talk then don’t flake. It will make them feel even more alone.
Don’t say “I know how you feel”
It may seem like you are helping them feel less alone but by making this about you, you’re ultimately minimizing their pain. Even if you have lost someone or know someone who has, you never know exactly what another person is feeling. Everyone has varying relationships and emotions; each one of us deals with loss differently.
Do say something
It’s common for people to avoid uncomfortable emotional situations but ignoring someone’s loss will make them feel even worse. Don’t avoid them when they need you the most. Saying something as simple as “I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how you are feeling. I know it must be really tough.” is better than nothing -trust me!
Don’t say “they would’ve wanted you to…”
I know it’s likely coming from a place of concern for the person grieving but telling them to get on with their life is very insensitive. It’s unlikely that you actually know what their lost loved one would “want” them to do in the days-weeks-months following their death.
Do allow them to grieve
I can’t say this enough, everyone grieves differently. While one person might throw themselves back into work, another might sit on the couch in the dark for a month. Allow them to grieve how they need to and let them know it is okay. Remind them that what they are feeling is completely okay!
If you think they are at risk of hurting themselves, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you think they are suffering from situational or major depression, sit and talk with them about seeing a psychiatrist or therapist.
Don’t say “At least you…”
Phrases such as “at least you were able to spend time with them” or “at least they are in a good place now” come from a good place but they belittle the person in grief’s emotions. Whenever people said this to me, I always thought “I don’t care, it’ll never be enough time. I want her here now”.
It’s also best not to bring up heaven or religion unless you are 100% sure the person’s stance on this.
Do share
Sharing stories, photos, and memories will help the grieving feel closer to their lost loved one. You might even have a memory that they don’t recall or didn’t know about that they can now carry with them. This is a great way for the grieving to open up and share memories as well -if they want to.
Remember that grief can be very dark. While a person who is grieving may not want to talk now or ever and they may unintentionally shut you out, they do not want to be alone or ignored in their grief. Your simple presence is just as important.
Well said. And thank you.